sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
