Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Bring me that man meat
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
