Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
