My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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