I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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