I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
