That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
it's like heaven, but drunker
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
