don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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