you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
