so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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