Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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