My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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