My hand turned me down
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
