i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
