I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
