How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
