I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
