She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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