Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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