Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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