Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
