can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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