I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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