yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
