A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
