"it" just moved
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
