I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
