I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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