those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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