so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
