omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
