I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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