It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
