i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
