I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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