booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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