Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
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I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.