i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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