i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
