im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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