Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
