Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
