I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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