remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
