FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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