Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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