Heybabeimwearingurpanties
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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