i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
