Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
