Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
