I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
