i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
