Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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