my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
