I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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