Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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