i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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