i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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